When Everything That Can Go Wrong Does

They say that bad news comes in threes. Mine has come in sixes and sevens.

• Hit a deer. I guess the bright side is that my car is in the shop getting fixed. However, I did have to spend $120 out-of-pocket on a rental car.
• Grant rejected. I quit counting how many grants I've had rejected after about 8. But suffice it to say that every grant I have submitted on my own behalf has been rejected. Now I'm just bringing everyone else down with me. My name on a grant is the kiss of death.
  
• Insulted by faculty. Not one but two. Suffice it to say that I am not looking forward to my committee meeting this year.
  
• Large plumbing bill for the city's problem. As if I have money to pay for someone else's issues. And yet, I have.
  
• Water pipes frozen. Didn't cost me anything, but a hell of an inconvenience.
  
• Oh, let's go back to when this all began. My dog died. Day after Thanksgiving while my sister was here to visit for the first time.
• I've had a health issue that has plagued me since the first year I moved here.
  

And I've had one or two personal issues that are, in fact, simply too personal to publish here that have weighed on me for months now. In fact, the past decade hasn't been all that spiffy to me. My ex-husband tried to kill me. Twice. I had to leave my job, my home, my life for my own safety. I started over. I tried to have a good attitude about the whole thing. I created a new dream for my future. I lived with my mother for 2 years while I got a second bachelors. You try doing that when you are 39 years old. I moved here to get my masters...continued for my doctorate. Dog got wicked sick. I still plugged on, trying to maintain a positive attitude despite setback after setback. I had a dream and I thought nothing could keep me from it.

Until today. Today I see that whether or not I finish my doctorate is largely dependent on other people's whims. Oh, not a bunch of other people, just one or two. And right now, I'm not sure what those one or two people think of me. Just when I had it all in the palm of my hand...just when I thought my troubles were over it is possible that it will all be taken away. And I'll be honest. I got caught off guard on this one. This was my last hurrah. I don't really have a plan B. I'm sitting here this evening thinking about what I'm going to do when the student loans come due and I don't have the money. I wonder what they'll take and what they'll let me keep. I wonder where I'll find a job in this economy. I feel like I'm sleepwalking or living someone else's life. I wish this was someone else's life. I'm facing the blue screen of death.

After worrying and struggling and panicking in the night for nearly 4 years, I thought I had finally paid my dues and earned my moment in the sun. And in one day, the clouds returned and have settled in. I think they're here for the long haul. My luck hasn't been so good lately.