Today we are going to play "I Don't F***king Believe It"

I was supposed to have a date last Saturday. It was postponed. I'm actually thankful that it was. Curtis, the gentleman that I canvassed with on the Obama campaign, called me several times, certainly expressing sufficient interest. He sent several emails. Turns out he is living with a woman that "used" to be his girlfriend. Wait! Wait! She is dating someone else. He's met her boyfriend. They just haven't sold the property they own together. He wasn't much motivated to move out on his own and then "poof" he met me.

He can only check his email once every couple of days. He doesn't have an internet connection at home. Hmmmm.

As we were only a first name basis while canvassing, I asked for his last name during the course of our phone conversation. He said his name was Mayfield. I laughed. Curtis Mayfield. I asked him if he was Superfly. Today, when he called with a new cell phone number (??!!!??), he admitted that his name wasn't Mayfield. That was a big joke (at my expense apparently). He signed his text message: Charlie Brown--his nickname apparently. But here's the kicker, when I asked him what his real name is he said he would tell me on Saturday when we met for our date. He wanted to tell me while he was looking in my eyes.

Ummmm. First. That just sounds creepy. Second. Do I have MORON tattooed on my forehead? Thinks I'm going to meet someone who can't even tell me his f***king name?

Step up to the wheel, Curtis....if that is your real name, and take a spin because I DON'T F**king believe it. Let me explain how this looks to the average woman my age who has been around long enough to see it all.

  1. You are either married or living with someone and shopping around. You may or may not be willing to leave the wife/girlfriend, it probably depends on how much money she makes and how often she is willing to put out.
  2. The new phone is the price of having an affair and keeping said wife/girlfriend in the dark.
  3. You can't check your email at home because the computer keeps a record of your internet history and I'll bet your wife/girlfriend isn't stupid. I bet you learned this lesson the hard way.
  4. The lack of a last name is to either prevent the other woman (me) from doing a background check on you (and oh yes, Curtis, we do background checks), or to prevent us from calling up the wife and innocently asking to speak with you. My, wouldn't that be inconvenient for you.
Is it possible I am wrong? Yes. Is it probable? Not likely. Honestly, sometimes I could just cry.


  1. Jesus, sorry to hear about that. The worst part, it seems to me, is this "Curtis Mayfield" / "Charlie Brown," bullshit. Well, Chuck, D ain't no dummy. (Alternative version: Daktarii isn't kiSwahili for dummy.) I mean, least he could've done was make up names that were really obscure -- someone from Flaubert or an obscure movie from the 30s. But those two? Sheez. It's like a commericial: it's bad enough that you exist and are bothering me; please don't insult my intelligence SO MUCH while you're doing it. (Examples: Head-On, 5 hour energy, Burger King)

    He should've just said "Mickey Mouse" and had done with it.

    Sorry D. You deserve infinitely better than this dickbag.

  2. That's ridiculous, and supremely frustrating I'm sure. Bummer.


Please. Feel free to tell my why you think this is my most brilliant post ever.